Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A Grey Christmas

Putting the "Fun" in "Dysfunctional"
I came home Saturday night. By Tuesday night I was fighting with my parents. That's a record. It usually takes less than 48 hours. It started with my latest bank statement. Apparently, I'm about $2,000 in debt. My parents immediately proceed to give me a 30 minute lecture about responsibility. I've been throwing money away and living beyond my means.

Funny story: Turns out it's all their fault because they haven't paid any of my bills in at least two months. Hypocrites. Needless to say they apologized. Twice.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My Pinocchio

I just made you up to hurt myself...
and it worked

I talked to David Saturday night. He told me some things about Howard I didn't know. Howard threw him to the wolves and started the whole rumor to cover his own ass. At one point he loved me. He told David that he's in love with him now. I don't understand how he could intentionally hurt the two people he cares about. He's not the guy I thought he was. To make matters worse, David likes me. We made out and he wanted me to come home with him. I turned him down and we later agreed that it would be a terrible idea to get together. It would hurt too many people we care about and make a messy situation ten times messier.

But that night I realized that I have been in love with someone who doesn't exist. I ignored the worst parts of Howard and convinced myself that everything he'd done to hurt me was justified. I made him up, a fictional Howard who was perfect in every way. And in doing so, I set myself up for a world of disappointment.

No more pinocchios. The next time I fall in love, I'll make sure it's with a real boy.

Just my type

He's beautiful, straight, and completely crazy
I woke up today greeted by a life size portrait of General P. G. T. Beauregard with a hickey on my neck. Classy.

Brandon told me at 6:40 last night that we were leaving for New Orleans at 7:10. We had a pretty good time. We watched Drew's show at Oz. Allison won a $50 bar tab and Brandon was one of the judges so we got a lot of free drinks. Brandon and I ended up making out on the way home and I stayed at his place. He lives with his parents, who don't know he's gay. So this morning, he had to sneak me out. Again, classy.

We'll see where this goes.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Hiroshima & Nagasaki

All is fair in love and war and love
The end of this semester marks the end of a war for me. I've done things that I'm not proud of, and I won. I have hurt someone I loved, purposefully. I've hurt innocent bystanders. The part that upsets me most is knowing that I would do it all over again. I wonder about the person that I have become and what all of this has cost me.

The Ole Miss game and David's drunken rampage brought a public end to a private struggle that's gone on for the better part of two years. My own personal Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The fallout from these events will probably continue to cause damage for the next few months (years?).

I'm giving up on Howard. He will always have a special place in my heart as my first love, but I've given up to much waiting on him. I can't wait around forever for someone who may not even really love me. All of this has made me realize that I've become someone I don't like. I've done terrible things to keep his/our secret. I'm going to work to get back to who I used to be.